Thin is forever;

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2011-09-11T14:49:00.001+01:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/VanessaFrances

Losing vs. Winning

2010-10-17T21:44:00.000+01:00

Someone smart once said, 'The day you wake up, look in the mirror and accept what you see, is the say you lose the game.'
I can't help thinking how true this is, and the way I'm going, I will never lose the game. In fact, I try not to look in the mirror anymore. I hate the person looking back at me. I don't even know who she is anymore. I used to be so pretty, what the hell happened? Oh yeah, I got fat.
Thing is, if I think, for one minute I'm average sized, I will end up being okay with my body. Who wants to be okay with their body, based on a lie. I'm not an average. I'm a large. Big fatty fat fat. Eughhh I hate it. I need more self control. More total control.

-BB

The meaningless girl is back.

2010-10-06T22:36:00.000+01:00

There's no beating round the bush with this one. I hate myself. I hate myself with a passion. I wish I was a skinny as the next girl, but I'm not. I went up 4lbs in the last 2 days. I don't know how, but the scales don't lie. I was searching thinspo fr my art project, after watching a programme with a mia kid in it, and something inside me just kicked off. I don't know what it was, all I know is, I NEED to get thinner. I'm surrounded by stunning and thin girls on a day to day basis, and I can't exactly get prettier, so I have to get thinner. So, I've decided to attempt ana again. Yeah, I've been here before, I know how damn hard it is. My problem is, I always think, 'One more day, then I'll start.' But one day turns into a week, and before you know it, I'm 10lbs heavier than before. I've always hated myself and had problems with my self-image, but if I can do this, then I can do anything.

I hate having to buy a size 10-12. I want to be a size 6-8. And I would love to be a 2 digit weight in lbs. That's my long term goal. My weight now is 128.9lbs. My short term goal is to be 120lbs. So hopefully, this plan will work. I've picked up a few tips along the way:
1. Eat Ice if you get peckish.

2. If you cut up an apple into 6 pieces, you can eat 1 every 2 hours.

3. Stall, meaning if you keep telling yourself you will eat on the hour, hold off for 10 minuets and then tell yourself you have to wait another hour because you missed your chance.

4. If the thinspo ain't working for you, look at pics of fat chicks. They put you right off food.

5. Eat infront of a mirror and see how disgusting you look.

-BB

Long time, no see

2010-06-01T17:50:00.005+01:00

Well, haven't been on here in a long time.
Considering I'm bored and confuzzled, I think I'll blog again :)
Well yesterday was... Interesting. Go to the cinema with a boyfriend, and there's no chance you'll catch ANY of the movie. I ended up wanting more for a short time. After the film, we make our way out, I push him against the toilet door. He asks me if there's anyone in there, I say no. And so it goes...
Oh dear. I almost had sex with him in a toilet cubicle. Oh dear.
Not a night I want to remember, but not a night I want to forget, all the same.
Having trouble striking a conversation after that incident, but hopefully, it'll kick off again?
Oh god. I've really screwed up this time...
-BB

Happy Birthday to me!!!!!

2009-10-16T22:30:00.003+01:00

Getting a bit tired of hearing this now..... Oh well. My day can never be too good!!!
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday dear Myself,
Happy birthday to me!

Oh yesss. On the verge of an early mid-life crisis!
Some amount of years ago, you created the awesomest person in my life, with a positive streak of vanity. Good night 16th of October. I love you.

A day in the life of a meaningless girl

2009-08-12T22:12:00.004+01:00

I am me. I am meaningless. That doesn't matter. It doesn't need to mean anything. We have all we need. No meaning, no point. It's blunt. I don't need to think there's a reason for being, or that there is some line to follow. In fact, I sincerely hope there isn't a guideline. I am happy being meaningless. Yeah. A meaningless life. I don't mean anything. I can be someone but it won't mean anything because when life comes to an end, what I will matter? Will it be the fact that there was no point to life? Or will it be that maybe there is nothing to come in the afterlife? No. It will be how I've lived and how happy I am with my life. Have lived up to my expectations? I hope that answer will be yes but I don't want it to come now but I also shouldn't wait.
Tell you what I should do. I should get some sleep.
-BB

Too late for pancakes?

2009-07-26T01:00:00.000+01:00

Mmmmmm. Ice cream. Is it sad that these simple luxuries make my day. So what if it is. It's my day. No-one else's. And it's 11 'o' clock and I'm eating pancakes. Too late for pancakes? Never. Too late for ice cream? Never. Too late for toast? Never. Too late for coffee? Maybe. I have 2 pancakes left for tomorrow. I make good pancakes. Not the small fat ones. The crepe like ones. Yummmmm. I am young. I am tired yet wide awake. (Because of the coffee. Stupid really. Should buy decaf next time.) I feel sick. I have to get up at 9 tomorrow and it's now 10 past 1. Yoga. Not right now. Pancakes. Sounds good. Ice cream. Do I have to say more?

Good night stars : ).

2009-07-25T01:25:00.000+01:00

Tonight I look up to the hypnotizing black sky, and count the stars.
I start over and over, I can't catch concentration, my mind is running afar.
I wonder how many other people have looked at these spots in the universe
I should be lucky to even have eyes to see, each individual diverse.
I cannot explain how good it feels to be counting on the night,
To bring me joy and hope, but let tomorrow bring me light
For without the darkness we would not be able to tell the time of day,
I wish to indulge in a long, deep sleep, so here in bed I lay.
Good Night. : )
- Buttercup

Sat 25th July 02.05 am

Throw away the shovel, hand me a pick axe.

2009-07-24T00:11:00.000+01:00

Okay so, I'm just checking in cause there's something I have realized recently. I have two personalities. I'm not skitzophrenic or anything, it's just I've noticed how I can be one person around some people and be a completely different one around another. Sort of like major mood swings. I'm not writing this down to ask for help, because I know no-one will hear. I'm just telling myself more or less. There is this person who, when I'm around them, I can be the darker side of me. The side who has secrets and big problems, and when I'm around them, I let all my worries drag me down to lowest I can possibly be. I will never run back to being the person I was, but I'm not going to say I will never be her again, because as far as I know, I'm only human and self restraint only goes so far. But I do hope I will never go back there. The other side of me, I am happy to say, is a much jollier person with a happy-go-lucky attitude. I like her a lot more. This attitude is a can do attitude, but I will fill myself in about her on a later blog. But the darker side, I need to de-tox her away. You see I am forever seeking attention when I am her, always wanting more. I gave myself insomnia when I was in this personality. And OCD. I know I sound troubled, but I refuse to think it's serious. This may sound immature but I can work towards a life of purity. I have dug myself a hole, and now need to climb out of it.

Coming off that subject now I would just like to say, it is my favorite day of any month; The 23rd!!! But I have to say also, the timing on this post is very off. It is the 24th 0039hr. But I'm happy I caught this magical number before it slipped from my grip completely.
-BB

Je voudrais une glace a la fraise.

2009-07-18T16:04:00.000+01:00

France. What a country. Just in case you were wondering, I'm back in England now. I went there with school on a watersports trip. They are all so polite! Well, besides the woman who you will hear about soon enough. Here are the best bits:

Goodbye England, Bonjour France!

No-one likes coach journeys. I am no exception to this rule. Especially not when they're 16 hours long. No leg room, no where to sleep, nothing to do constant travel sickness, stench of feet clinging onto the air and lack of healthy supplies. By this I mean, about one in every 20 people carried fruit with them, but everyone carried their chocolate and gummies. Now I don't mean to complain but I have come across comfier forms of travel. But looking on the brighter side of things, coach journeys (long ones) give you time to reflect on life and write and draw and listen to music, but best of all have cheesy conversations with your neighbour that you might regret the next day (may have happened a few times). Also it's a good time to give thanks for all the privileges we have been granted with, because although I seem to be complaining about this awfully long journey, I should be glad we even had a coach to travel by!I thought it could be a good time to thank the person that came up with that all miraculous invention of pocket music, otherwise known as the ipod, and the best mate that bought the charger with them.

I am most thankful for music at a time like this. To me music is a window of hope and a door to escape reality (and the babbling people around you) and just let go. Talking about the babbling people, I have to say they aren't always that bad. If you put aside the fact it's one in the morning and you have a splitting headache, the conversations they have can be entirely amusing. For example I unplugged my ipod and listened into a conversation (more a plot, really) of how two people were planning to take over the world. It was fairly late and I remember little, but I seem to recall, it included brainwashing solution injected into mosquito's who were to pass it to humans. Hilarious! Quite genius really, but I fail to see how anyone would ever consider going along with this plan. But after all this thinking I got exhausted and managed to scrape a good three hours of sleep. Well, in the end we arrived at Rockley campsite at about 8am the next day and went straight onto the activities.

I'm not going to re-track over everyday but there was one that stood out for me...

3 Girls, 3 Paddles And A Kayak.... Scratch That, 2 Girls, 4 Paddles. Oh God.

This was probably the most interesting trip. It was Me, Bibby and Maya. At first. So, we started quite successfully. That lasted about 2 minuets. After we started to slow down, I decided to help the team so I jumped out and pushed the kayak. In this time we over-took 2 kayaks. Being in front of these people also lasted about 2 minuets. By this time (about 10 minuets into it) we were exhausted and just wanted a lift from the motorboats. We sat stationary for a moment and watched our friends being motored to everyone else, about 100 meters away. I decided to have a bit of fun and try to capsize the kayak. This was not a popular decision. But a successful one. We then got told to get back in by our teachers, and were refused the lift we'd been hoping for. After a while all three of us were back in the boat and two of us were paddling to safety (the other was tanning) but suddenly, I got bit by a huge horsefly. I started to scream like the classic girl as I struggled to get it out of my buoyancy aid. I then fell backwards off the kayak, and came up from the water to see Maya jumping about screaming about it attacking her. She then bombed into the water to try to drown it. Turns out it was on Bibby's paddle. After this, they gave in a gave us a lift. Thank god. When we got to the gaggle of girls and kayaks, I got bored again and decided to try to capsize the boat. Again. This time I failed in capsizing the boat, but successfully tipped Maya out. She decided to take 2 paddles in the water with her and abandon us, while shouting something about being too immature for her. I was sure this was directed to Bibby. I then decided to wind Bibby up attempting to capsize the boat, but in the end made her jump in after me. As Bibby swam to retrieve the paddles that had floated away, I followed after her. Not a good idea. Bibby turned around and told me to go and get the kayak, but it was too late. Shit. So I decided to help Bibby get the paddles and grabbed the two within my reach. Bibby then came back with two. So we had gone from 3 girls, 3 paddles and a kayak, to 2 girls, 4 paddles and NO kayak. Success! In the end, after about 20 minuets of bobbing round in the water, we were pulled out by a not so happy, Digger. (That's his name, they didn't bring an actual digger out to rescue us.)

Je voudrais une glace a la fraise.
This is the name of this post, because this was my most frequently used phrase. Mmmm French Ice cream.... The best one I had was on the shopping trip. I got strawberry aka fraise. Mmmm. I also bought a top. Okay, it said New York on it, but it was so, so pretty. The shop was at the top of the street where there was also a circle of flags and seats. Me, Juzzy and Moni went to sit there. But being on a school trip and all, we had to back a certain time, so we decided to check for people with a watch and ask them the time. (Excuse et moi, Avez vous l'uhr, sil vous plait?) So we asked this french woman with a watch, and she turned around and gave us the devilyest glare and just said, 'Non.' So we were a bit peed off. But my amazing J-Dizzle (Juzzy) saw her watch. We got back in time in the end.

(I know this post will be a little out of date but I haven't had access to a computer since I got back on the 18th.)

Satisfaction

2009-07-10T09:56:00.000+01:00

I was thinking, what really gives me kicks. I get high on life. But then I thought, what is the most satisfying thing I could do or hear. Is it the crunch of dead twigs and leaves under your feet? Or wiping the sleep out your eye? Maybe it's the echo of your bike as you ride through a tunnel. Or simply the crunch or pepper being crushed as you twist the shaker top. They all do it for me. It gives you that slight feeling of satisfaction. The feeling of being free. Free will. Bodily atonomy. Freedom is one of the things I have to be thankful about today. Yesterday I was trapped inside my body. Today I feel as free as a feather. But, I am also thankful for the tiny things that make my day. All the small things that make you smile as you walk through the street from a busker playing your favorite tune o his guitar to an old woman feeding pigeons. Such kind hands. I hope that someday I will be able to return these free gifts. I know one day I will.
Off to crack the pepper - Buttercup.

Sleep is a gift

2009-07-10T00:03:00.000+01:00

Sleep is amazing. I thank god that he created sleep. I love sleep. Unfortunately, I can't remember the last time I slept through the night. I don't sleep much. I have insomnia. It makes people a bit loony to be honest. I only know one other person with it. He's an interesting character. Not loony. Not at all. I guess it actually only makes me a little loony. I find his views on life interesting. He has always been there for me and has been like a older brother to me. In my eyes, anyway. When I permanently fell out with my best friend, who happened to be the only person I felt I could talk to, I was alone. But, because of one stupid, tired self, I managed to slip up and send a personal message to him by mistake. He was more understanding than I thought he would be. He promised he wouldn't tell anyone and was full of support and advice. I also think crying is a gift. You may think 'how is that so?' but I happen to know what it's like to not be able to cry. I can't cry. This is for reasons I don't understand, some of which I'm sure are phsycological, but the only reason I can think of is that when I was younger, I got it into my head that crying was pathetic, but as it turns out I really feel it would come in handy right about now. I took a walk earlier today you see, (or yesterday) I had to talk my mum into letting me get out the car as it was about 10.30, but in the end she gave in and asked why. I couldn't tell her of course because it's the kind of stuff I would only tell my ex-friend and this guy. I just felt like sitting down and crying. Again, I wish I could tell you the reasons for this but it's the same for you as it was for my mother. When I realized no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn't be able to cry, it made me mad. I could feel the pull of my mind dragging me towards the road. 'The world would be fine without me' I thought quietly to myself. I wasn't going to do that of course. If it was only me I had to worry about, I probably wouldn't be writing this right now but I thought killing myself was selfish, and in doing so my mother would be in a state and the people I recently acted weird around might feel bad because they thought they might have in some way be able to prevent it, but just for future reference, they wouldn't have. So finally, I sat down under a tree, got my phone out and texted the only person I could talk to. It made me feel much better. Now, back onto the subject of sleep, I must try because sleep will give up in the end and leave completely. I am grateful for the people in this world we can turn to, sleep, crying, ice cream and the wonders of texting.
Sleep well - Buttercup.

Crossing paths

2009-07-09T13:42:00.000+01:00

I've been told I have some very deep insights. I really don't like to be doubtful but I don't think many people are going to read this so I may as well just let it out. I love the idea of being free. Being me and living life to the full. Don't waste a second. I'm listening to Jason Mraz, butterfly, at the moment. Wow. He has some amazing views. I admire his attitude. But I wasn't put on this earth to live someone else's life. I'm here to make it mine (sorry for the quote). I think some people waste their time trying to be someone else. I know I used to. I always used to try to be someone I wasn't, whether it was one of my friends or a celebrity. I always wondered why I wasn't special. Why I didn't have a talent. Then I realized, nothing comes to you unless you make some effort to get to it. I remember wondering, whilst watching Britain's got talent, why I couldn't dance like George Sampson. Truth is, things like that don't just come to you. You have to walk to be able to cross paths. That's why I try to try harder now. One day I will succeed. I know that some people are naturally gifted, but they have to work hard to get it spot on. Those who aren't that lucky have to work a little harder to get to their destination. But work is work. Everyone has to do it. If I wanted to become a dancer, like Sampson, I may have to take dance lessons. I don't have a special way with words like Mraz, but I'm sure if I tried, some day it would come naturally to me. I've decided to end this one on a good note and say thank you to Mother Nature, for all the mesmerizing scenery this life has to offer.
Live life - Buttercup